Why aren't you a Trump supporter?

When a reporter declines to join me in the rooftops fantasy I don’t go on stage and gyrate to mock his congenital disability

I know that sounds DO NOT cause cancer.

I don’t buy bullshit

How did you get to be a leftist?

If someone works for me, I actually pay them

I don’t believe that Saudi Arabia and Russia “will vedoop bedeep uhhhh”

I have a reading level above third grade

What exactly is the difference between a surge protector and a fuse? Can a fuse protect the electronic devices from lightning instead of surge protector?

I understand that you can’t inject bleach or light

I don’t believe Nazis, Klan klowns and white supremacists chanting “Jews will not replace us” comprise “very fine people”

I don’t buy made-up stories of “thousands and thousands of people dancing on rooftops”

How to watch Apple’s WWDC 2025 keynote - TechCrunch

Let us count the ways. Captain Obvious says:

I can read

I have complete contempt for traitorism

What is the meaning behind people claiming to hear voices of God in their heads without anyone else hearing them? Is this a sign of mental illness or possession by an evil spirit?

I can count

I don’t cotton to rapists

I actually pay taxes

Are you happy with your life?

It’s uncool to lurk around teenage girls’ dressing rooms

When I go Greenland shopping and Denmark says no I don’t melt down like a fucking WIMP

I don’t hide in my hotel room while everybody else keeps the appointed time and place because my hair might get wet

NASA Mars Orbiter Captures Volcano Peeking Above Morning Cloud Tops - NASA (.gov)

I respect other cultures and don’t respect those who don’t

I have complete contempt for intentional stupidity

I understand geography enough to know that Belgium is not a “beautiful city”, that Paris is not in fucking Germany, that India does share a border with China, that that border is peppered with Bhutan and Nepal, not “Button” and “Nipple”, that time zones exist, that “shithole countries” do not, that “England” and “the UK” are not the same thing, that you cannot build a wall in Colorado to keep out New Mexico, and that the Bronx is not and has never been “a very wonderful place in fucking Germany”

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Those are a few reasons off the top of my head. How ’bout you?

It’s uncool to set up soft porn pics with your own preteen daughter

I know what Nikki Haley’s authority with the National Guard is

🌿🌻Why are Meghan and Harry not treated like royalty in the United States anymore?

I know that he didn’t run against “Obamna”

A real man doesn’t grab women by the p***y

I know the difference between “George Bush” and “Jeb Bush”

Why would my ex block me after I blocked him?

I don’t believe there is a fucking “president of the Virgin Islands”

I know who the president of Turkey really is

I know the difference between “give me your tired, your poor” and “they’re poisoning our blood”

What is the worst thing your sibling has done?

I don’t believe the way to respond to a hurricane is to call a press conference to describe it as “wet from the standpoint of water”, to distribute Play Doh, or to stand at a podium throwing rolls of paper towels as if they were bottles of ketchup

I know there’s no such thing as invisible planes

I don’t watch or listen to advertising

S&P 500 futures rise ahead of May jobs report: Live updates - CNBC

I didn’t get out of military service with fucking “bone spurs” that I paid a doctor to write

I understand how hurricane paths work

I have no sicko desire to control women or have a bizarro hangup with “blood”

Astronomers Have Detected a Galaxy Millions of Years Older Than Any Previously Observed - WIRED

I don’t hold serial bankrupters in high regard

I see through liars

I understand that you can’t just fucking nuke a hurricane

Why do men say women hit the wall at 24?

I took the same Oath and took it seriously

I don’t run and hide from a debate like a fucking WIMP just becuase some moderator asked pointed questions

I have complete contempt for fakery

Anthony Richardson sidelined by shoulder injury - NBC Sports

I know the difference between Sioux City and Sioux Falls and even Sioux Center

I have an acute aversion to scumbags

I’ve never tried to pretend the word would means wouldn’t

Was Michael Jackson really an innocent person?

I don’t call Tim Cook “Tim Apple” and if I do I don’t deny what’s right there on the videotape because I’m too much of a fucking WIMP to handle Reality

I understand that when you lose an election you step the fuck aside and take it like a man rather than invade the Capitol while your loss is being made official just because you’re a fucking snowflake WIMP

I respect women and don’t respect those who don’t

authoritarians can get down on the floor and bite my ass, yesterday

Fuck that piece of orange shit, fuck his idiocracy, fuck his sexism, fuck his racism, fuck his religionism, fuck his divisionism, fuck his lying, fuck his orange face paint, fuck his worship of Cult of Ignorance, fuck his Cult, fuck his jingoistic horseshit, fuck his manuipulations, fuck his toddler-age WIMPism, fuck his fucked-up values of ME ME ME and did I mention ME, and fuck him personally with a giant razor sharp dildo that’s been preheated to 204.7° F and built to the dimensions of the Washington Monument. Slowly.

EVEN FUCKING MIKE PENCE understands that

I don’t pretend not to know who David Dooky is just because he can deliver votes

I know that if I or anyone I know commits a crime we’ll go to the clink

I don’t believe in asking the people of Iowa “how stupid are the people of Iowa”

I don’t respect shameless hucksters who try to sell a vitamin where you have to mail in your pee

I have complete contempt for fraudsters, and even less for repeat ones

I understand historical events enough to know there were no airports in the eighteenth century, that Canada didn’t burn the White House half a century before it existed and that World War Two already happened

I don’t respect a sleazeball who lies about his height just so he can lie about his weight